Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Running out of patience ?

I have always been a very very patient person by nature. When I was in primary school, I remember this one kid who always bully me and I would not get angry at him. I remember once he locked a padlock at my pants where I wear my belt. I would never get angry at all. In university, my course mates intentionally disturbed me during a class and I would just treat it as a game their playing. They would be angry in return and asked why I don't get angry at all. For those who know me since young, I've never lost my temper. I always try to give people a benefit of a doubt and say to myself that it's alright.

Now that I have kids, I find myself losing temper all the time towards my sons. hmmm......this is not me....I thought to myself. For example, teaching my eldest son piano. I will tell him what to play and how to play. He's always not concentrating and that makes me angry and I will scold him. If he makes mistakes, I get angry and belief me, I AM fierce. My wife can be a witness to this. Those who knows me will be shocked. Sometimes my son would cry and still playing the piano. I'll feel bad but I would hold myself together and just be stern and and ask him to continue.

As I study myself, I believe these are the reasons that I have this anger management issue now

  1. I want to do things my way and if it does not go accordingly, I get agitated. But I guess children are different. They get distracted very easily.

  2. I want my sons to be good and if they behave otherwise, I get very dissapointed.

  3. I have high expectations on the two boys. When they don't meet my expectations, I explode

  4. I release my work stress through them which is not good

  5. I have a lot of things that I want to do and I want things to go fast. When it doesn't, I explode again.

  6. I'm stressed up taking care of them as they are a handful. They are two hyperactive kids

  7. I give pressure to myself to be a good dad.

I have become impatient over the years. I guess, now I have to tell myself each time to slow things down and try to explain in a calm way when I get agitated. Moreover, they are still very young. Sometimes, I feel so frustrated over things that my boys do; messing the room, leaving all the toys all over their room etc I'll shout at them. I believe my neighbor can hear me. To those who know me, you must be shocked right ? I guess I have to learn to be calm now and not try to control them like a robot. They have their own minds too. For example, my young one likes to play with the water in the sink and always mess things up getting his whole body wet. If I look at it in a different perspective, he is actually exploring things and imagining and being creative. He'll have his dinosaur toys in a container with water and he'll have his own story. I guess sometimes it does no harm to be messy. Just have to be patient and clean up the mess later. I believe both my kids are scared of me. However, they are still open to me which is good.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate my kids. I love them very much. I always love telling them bedtime stories before they sleep and they like it very much. I guess being a father is not easy. I'm also weak and not perfect. Well, I'm continuously learning and God is teaching me everyday.

I remember last Sundays worship topic is from 2nd Corinthians 12. When we are weak, God will keep us strong. I have to accept that all things whether good or bad has it's purpose. Verse 9 says " And he hath said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" Verse 10 " Wherefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then am I strong ".

I have to acknowledge all my weaknesses to God and He will give me the strength that I need.


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